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Resentment-Controlling Wife/Passive-Agressive HusbandSun, Jan 20th 2013
How long have you been together? 12 years
What is your age range? 34-40 no children together, husband has 2 previous marriages
Please share your story:
After several years of strained relations within my marriage, I think we may have a case of a controlling wife and passive-aggressive husband dynamic.
I am the primary breadwinner and have handle to finances and general running of the household. I know I can be a overbearing person as I like things a certain way and I tend to take charge, but, at the same time, I feel I am reasonable and have compromised a great deal in the course of the relationship.
It seems that my husband has subtle ways to sabotage our relationship and fiances. For instance, we are on a budget. He will take money out of the joint account and act like he thought we had extra money for him to gamble with. Other times he will evoke the silent treatment if I try to have a conversation that he perceives as unpleasant. If I try to talk to him about normal relationship and household matters it is impossible to come to a real solution as he will just agree and do nothing or go silent.
Lately, things have gotten much worse when I have expressed the likelihood that I do not want children. I have some medical issues that came about and brought the issue to the forefront. The medical issue was always something we both postponed for myriad reasons but seemed we would "eventually get to a better position" to do it. Granted, I did not disclose this early on in the relationship but it was because I was not sure about the condition until now.
He is not happy and saying we are not compatible about anything because of this medical issue. He is even now trying to blame me for the strained relationship he has with his adult daughters because "he sold his soul" to be with me. The bottom line is that he has resentment towards me, and, hence, the passive aggressive behavior has escalated. He thinks he wants out of the relationship but he will not make the move. I admit, I am stubborn and will not make the move either. I do not feel I should be made to be uncomfortable (giving up the home) because he is acting out.
He refuses the counseling I have suggested. I have presented books and other tools we could use to improve the relationship and he resists. For my own sake, I am going on my own therapist.
I am not sure of how to get a handle on the situation or if the relationship can be saved? He has moved out of the bedroom and decidedly is giving me the silent treatment, again, for the umpteenth time. I am not sure if its for present or past transgressions on my part as it is hard to keep count.
I haven't talked to anyone about this as I am embarrassed and no one would believe me anyway because he is the quintessential "mr nice guy."
Any insight on the situation besides the obvious "divorce solution" will be helpful.
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