I think i'm lost?Mon, Jun 4th 2007
Hello, I have a problem, I think, I am 20. I have a baby, 5mo., and I got married last month. Since a young age, well since I can remember I haven't felt, right... I would describe it as empty, never satisfied. before I was married I was with my husband for 11 months and then I couldn't take it one day and I felt like I had to leave or like I was trapped, so I broke it off with him and things just went out of control. I started going for clubs looking for someone to come home with me because I was desperate at the though of being alone... I had a string of "boyfriends" I would sleep with them immediately and continue the relationship for about a month, never more than 2, and then they would have enough and well ask me to get lost. I didn't really care about them, I think, but at the time I was always in love. Madly in love and I thought we should run to vegas and have children but... well I am always thinking I am sick, I mean cancer ridden, but I don't tell anybody because I am afraid they will find out I am a wierdo... My husband knows I have strange thoughts but he just says I have an overactive imagination. Over the past few months I have become increasingly afraid of the dark. Not the dark it self but what could happen in the dark. what I can't see, who I can't see... My best friend at the time was bi-polar and she said I should get some help but she was just as destructive as I was so I never did anything about it. Ummm... I think there is something wrong, well not right. But if I did have a problem I don't think i'm supposed to realize something is wrong so it makes me think maybe I am just and imaginative person but at the same time, I want to get out of my skin. I have never had extreme anger or anything, just extreme sadness from seemingly nowhere. I can get through the day because I have kind of taught myself how to cope and put on a happy face. When I feel things it's not normal. It's either the best or the worst, there has never been an inbetween... isn't there supposed to be an inbetween. I am afraid my baby will have whatever it is that I might have... I think I am just at the end of my rope and I can't do it alone anymore, for the sake of my baby and husband please help. I want to be a great mom and wife but I am always feeling like I am letting them down and doing things wrong. even when my husband tells me i'm doing a great job! Maybe I am just being an idiot... Maybe I should just be stronger... Maybe... I have been having these thoughts of cutting myself, again, Or hurting myself in some other way because maybe then someone will see, someone will help...
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