DesperateThu, Oct 30th 2003
i am so desperate and so...out of hope. i really hope you can shed some light on my "illness" and give me advice and maybe even contacts for what to do. i have "refractive major depression" and nothing is working. i sought treatment 2 1/2 years ago and after a long time everyone agreed on my above diagnosis. since then, i have honestly and literally been on over 28 different medications, even stuff for schizophrenia (which i am not) and MAOI's. nothing has had an ounce of improvement with me. some made me ill, and that's about it. I've had dozens of second and third and fourth opinions from both therapists (of all kinds) and psychiatrists. my regular doctor did an entire exam, including MRI, and i have a perfect bill of physical health. my depression and hopelessness is so bad that I'm about to lose my job. i miss miss, on average 7 out of 10 work days.--it isn't because i don't want to work--it's because my depression can get so bad that...i can't explain it--it's just that bad. on top of that, i then feel guilty for missing work. my therapist wont see me anymore "until [i] get better, because there's nothing [he} can do for me at this point." I'd see another therapist, but they all say the same thing. i have no support except from my therapist--if you call the above support. my family is very abusive and everyone agrees contacting them or being apart of their volatile lives would only damage me than i already am (I've not been physically or sexually abused, just mentally). I'm 29 years old now, and do not blame anyone, not even my parents for what i have become. i accept responsibility for every choice I've ever made, as well as action or inaction. but, now, i just feel so stuck. therapy doesn't' work. medication doesn't work. etc (which i haven't had and really don't want to have and my doctors don't want me to have) has left some people with permanent amnesia. i am broken, and I'm not fixable. what do i do? i have no where to go, no one to turn to, and no ideas. my mind is so cloudy--if i were elderly, people would assume i had Alzheimer's disease. my life is all black and darkness, surrounded by unending storms that torture me day and night. i can actually feel these "storms" inside my head--really. it's not a headache I'm feeling. i know what a headache feels like. this is different. it sometimes feels like a tornado violently spinning around in my mind, destroying everything in its path. other times, if feels like my mind is literally turning to mush, sloshing around inside and everything. most of the time, the "storm" in my head is so strong that i want to bang my head against the wall to get it to stop, or to get a hammer and pry my head open to let the tempest out--to let this painful pressure out of my head. also, besides this "storm" in my head, the "storm" surrounds me, on the outside. it taunts me. it paralyzes me. it makes want to crawl into my closet and never come out. it makes me wish i could die. and no matter what i do to try to stop any of this (and i really have actively tried so many ways and so many times), nothing works.--remember, my own therapist has given up on me. i also had to find another new psychiatrist for the same reason. i am broken. i cannot be fixed. i am hopeless. i feel hopeless. i feel trapped between the choice of death and the choice of living in a dark painful experience. (I've been depressed since i was a child). i am tired and i either want to do something that works and helps me (one last try) or i want to quit. i can't do this anymore. I'm too tired to hang onto nothing anymore. oh, I've also been hospitalized twice. my therapist is in agreement with me when i say that it was of no benefit, and only made things worse. Harvard does a brain surgery i wouldn't mind having. I'd rather have that than ECT. problem is that just to apply, they charge $900.00--and then they can still turn you down and keep your money. i can't afford that--not when I'm about to be fired. I've researched state programs, and there aren't any that i qualify for. in Utah, you only qualify for programs if you are married or single with children. because i am single and have chosen not to be a slut and get pregnant, i literally don't qualify for any programs whatsoever. One state worker told me "come back when you get yourself pregnant, honey."--she didn't say it jokingly nor nicely. I am literally falling apart. i don't know how much longer i can hold on without some sort of relief. please, can you help me some how? even my doctors admit they don't know what to do for me. please...please think of something they have not. i am begging. please. please help me.
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